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Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2004 5:41 am
by Nich
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." Steven Wright

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Emo Philips)

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Wed Mar 17, 2004 7:22 am
by Nich
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? George Carlin

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." Steven Wright

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2004 6:51 am
by Nich
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? George Carlin

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller. Steven Wright

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2004 8:42 am
by Nich
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. Steven Wright

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2004 7:16 am
by Nich
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
George Carlin

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." Steven Wright

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2004 5:55 am
by Nich
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2004 5:43 am
by Nich
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? George Carlin

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." Steven Wright

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Henrik Tikkanen

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Thu Apr 01, 2004 7:44 am
by Nich
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? George Carlin

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing... Steven Wright

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. George Burns

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2004 6:58 am
by Nich
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? George Carlin

I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car... Steven Wright

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. George Burns

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2004 6:38 am
by Nich
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons.
unknown, Popular Mechanics, March 1949

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? George Carlin

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. Steven Wright

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2004 7:08 am
by Nich
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Arthur C. Clarke

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2004 6:51 am
by Nich
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas Adams

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2004 6:23 am
by Nich
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. Steven Wright

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

Committee-a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2004 6:40 am
by Nich
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Steven Wright

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson

Almost Daily Quotes

Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2004 6:52 am
by Nich
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? Steven Wright

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
David Letterman