Funny Quotes
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A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Bob Wells
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin (1937 - )
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Bob Wells
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin (1937 - )
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson (1879 - 1962), "Discovery", 1964
George Carlin
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson (1879 - 1962), "Discovery", 1964
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson (1958 - ), cartoonist, "Calvin and Hobbes"
George Carlin
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson (1958 - ), cartoonist, "Calvin and Hobbes"
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? - George Carlin
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.
- Stefan Bergman
George Carlin
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.
- Stefan Bergman
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
What if there were no hypothetical questions? -George Carlin
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. â??Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. â??Steven Wright
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continuing darkness throughout the night, with widely scattered light in the morning. â??Hippy-Dippy Weathermanâ?
George Carlin
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. â??Steven Wright
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
Martin Mull
George Carlin
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. â??Steven Wright
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
Martin Mull
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
George Carlin
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Steven Wright
George Carlin
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Steven Wright
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. (Mark Twain)
George Carlin
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. (Mark Twain)
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
George Carlin
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)
George Carlin
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? George Carlin
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? George Carlin
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Steven Wright
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Steven Wright
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Dailey Quotes
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Steven Wright
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell)
George Carlin
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Steven Wright
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell)
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Daily Quotes
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? George Carlin
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." Steven Wright
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." Steven Wright
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net
Almost Daily Quotes
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea. (Mahatma Ghandi)
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea. (Mahatma Ghandi)
Ted Nicholas
nich01@tds.net
nich01@tds.net