Beaver Island Michigan

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Bob Wells

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin (1937 - )

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson (1879 - 1962), "Discovery", 1964

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson (1958 - ), cartoonist, "Calvin and Hobbes"

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? - George Carlin

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.
- Stefan Bergman

What if there were no hypothetical questions? -George Carlin

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. â??Steven Wright

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continuing darkness throughout the night, with widely scattered light in the morning. â??Hippy-Dippy Weathermanâ?￾
George Carlin

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. â??Steven Wright

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
Martin Mull

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
George Carlin

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Ronald Reagan

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Steven Wright

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. (Mark Twain)

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
George Carlin

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? George Carlin

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. (Joan Rivers)

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? George Carlin

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Steven Wright

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Bob Hope

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Steven Wright

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell)

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? George Carlin

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." Steven Wright

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea. (Mahatma Ghandi)